Jokes → Bar Jokes

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want ...

Humorous Quips

• "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it."
  

Filed Under: → Aviation

• In the defense of our nation, a president must be a clear-eyed realist. There are limits to the smiles and scowls of diplomacy. Armies and missiles are not stopped by stiff notes of condemnation. They are held in check by strength and purpose and the promise of swift punishment.
  

  - George W. Bush 43rd President of the United States

Filed Under: → Politics

Used News → Crime Beat

Two babies were left starving and suffering health problems while their parents played Dungeons & Dragons. American couple Michael and Iana Straw, 25 and 23, from Nevada pleaded guilty to child neglect, brought about by their obsession with internet and video games, authorities said.

Their children, a boy aged 22 months and girl aged 11 months, were badly malnourished and near to death last month when doctors saw them after social workers took them to hospital. Michael Straw, who was unemployed at the time of the incident, had come into a $50,000 inheritance and spent it on computer equipment and a large plasma TV. The Straws allegedly failed to feed or properly clean their children because they couldn't tear themselves away from the computer. Their main ...

Jokes → Wildlife

This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam." She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks."Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she ...

Used News → Crime Beat

Sunday September 21, 2003

India's version of Clint Eastwood's Dirty Harry, the zero tolerance Bombay policeman who dispenses justice from the barrel of a gun, has killed 105 suspects and shows no signs of stopping. While Inspector Pradeep Sharma's methods are questioned by human rights groups, he remains unrepentant. In fact he insists in language that might have come straight out of a Clint Eastwood movie that he acts in self-defense. "These criminals are filth. My mission is to cleanse the city of this filth and it's working," he said. "If they're armed and resist arrest, then I have to shoot in self-defense. "Why this concern for them? If they're walking about with AK-47's, you can be sure they're not going to the temple or going shopping."

Sharma's campaign began 13 years ago after he joined Bombay's newly formed Criminal Intelligence Unit (CIU). Now at 41, he is officially credited as the policeman with the most "kills" in India. He is known to journalists as "the terminator." He receives letters of support every day that far outnumber the complaints about the so-called "encounters" in which the suspects die. "I'm just a God-fearing man doing my job, which is eliminating crime in this city, not terminating ...

Jokes → Accountants

There once was an accountant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem."

"You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an accountant make it this far and were not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." said the accountant. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What were going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven" "Sorry, we have rules." And with that St. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went down down down to hell.

The ...