EDITION #1305
This issue 5ยข

We're not new News, we're News Thats Used

Tomorrow is Monday June 1, 2020
This is day 152 of 2020

Used News Crime Beat

A man attempted to rob a Bank of America located in San Francisco. He walked into the branch and wrote, 'this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag'. While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After ...


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Did You Know

  • A snail can sleep for three years.
  • 35% of the people using personal ads for dating are already married!
  • Balsa wood is classified as a hard wood!
  • Anteaters prefer termites to ants.
  • Early Romans would use porcupine quills as toothpicks.

Jokes Humor

Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).

When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him. "So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin' or you ...


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  • In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."

  • Filed Under: → Aviation

  • In the defense of our nation, a president must be a clear-eyed realist. There are limits to the smiles and scowls of diplomacy. Armies and missiles are not stopped by stiff notes of condemnation. They are held in check by strength and purpose and the promise of swift punishment.

    - George W. Bush 43rd President of the United States

  • Filed Under: → Politics


  • You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

  • Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

  • How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

  • If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

  • If you tell a joke in the forest, and nobody laughs, was it still a joke?

  • How long will a floating point operation float?

  • Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

  • Does killing time damage eternity?

View More: → Good Questions


  • 1st red and green traffic lights installed - Manhattan, New York City.

    Wednesday February 26, 1930

  • Filed Under: → Travel Section


  • 1st time; Lady Jacqueline Kennedy conducts a White House tour on TV.

    Wednesday February 14, 1962

  • Filed Under: → Politics


  • 1st Premature Baby Health law in the U.S. - Chicago, Illinois.

    Tuesday March 5, 1935

  • Filed Under: → Medicine


  • New York City's Zodiac killer shoots 1st victim, Mario Orosco.

    Thursday March 8, 1990

  • Filed Under: → Crime Beat


  • William Parsons, Earl of Rosse, 1st uses a 72" (183 cm) telescope.

    Saturday February 15, 1845

  • Filed Under: → Sports


Jokes Bar Jokes

Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine.

One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husbands behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead ...

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  • Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning. - Bill Gates Co-founder of Microsoft Corporation

    Filed Under: → Computer


  • Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.
    - Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, circa 1949

    Filed Under: → Irony


  • We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
    - Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962

    Filed Under: → Irony


  • Never Give Up!
    - by Percy Vere
  • How I Won at the Casino
    - by Jack Potts
  • How to Feed Elephants
    - by P. Nutts
  • Laundry Collection
    - by Phil D Basket
  • Telephone Problems
    - by Ron Number
  • Round the Mountain
    - by Sheelagh B. Cummin
  • Beginning Magic
    - by Beatrix Star

Used News Birth

Saturday November 1, 2003

It's a boy, no a girl - for Heather and Paul McCartney. Don't believe everything you read in the newspapers, especially Britain's Daily Mirror. It got it spectacularly wrong when it announced the birth of a new baby for 61-year-old superstar Sir Paul McCartney's and his wife Heather Mills. Proudly revealing it's world scoop, the front page banner headline screamed: "It's a boy! Exclusive - Macca baby a month early!" Except they got it wrong in one important little detail - the child was in fact a girl!

But the declaration by the Press Association a few hours later that the couple had become parents of a baby girl named Beatrice was all a bit late for the Mirror. It was also too late for the ...


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Jokes Wildlife

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she's a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand, I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When ...


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Jokes Accountants

There once was an accountant who lived her whole life without ever taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it seems we have a problem."

"You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an accountant make it this far and were not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in." said the accountant. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What were going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind... I prefer to stay in Heaven" "Sorry, we have rules." And with that St. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went down down down to hell.

The ...


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Used News for May 31

World Firsts

  • 1st female lawyer to be heard by the Supreme Court was Belva Ann Bennett Lockwood who successfully petitioned Congress to be allowed to practice.

    Monday March 3, 1879

  • Filed Under: → Politics


  • Thermit explosive 1st used to break up ice jam, Waddington, New York.

    Tuesday February 24, 1925

  • Filed Under: → Travel Section


  • 1st Richard Nixon Museum opens in San Clemente, California.

    Friday January 23, 1981

  • Filed Under: → Politics


  • 1st Gold record presented to Glenn Miller for his hit song "Chattanooga Choo Choo".

    Tuesday February 11, 1941

  • Filed Under: → Entertainment


  • Meiji constitution of Japan is adopted; 1st Diet convenes in 1890.

    Monday February 11, 1889

  • Filed Under: → Politics


View More: → World Firsts

Wise Words

  • A book is like a garden carried in the pocket.

    - Chinese Proverb

    Filed Under: Wise WordsProverbs

Good Question

  • If you tell a joke in the forest, and nobody laughs, was it still a joke?
  • Why are there interstates in Hawaii?
  • You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?
    Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
  • Consider one of the most perplexing questions of our time:
    Where do solutions go when a candidate gets elected?
  • How come wrong numbers are never busy?
  • Do fish get thirsty?

Filed Under: → Good Question